Hovering 101
A helicopter can fly in any direction: forward, backward, upward or sideward. It’s amazing to watch it as it hovers over a single spot as if to float or flutter while suspended in air. Its capability reflects its design.
Most of us know, or are related to, someone whom we would define as a “helicopter mom”, or parent. The tendency to be one is there for all of us, but somehow we instinctively know when we’re not one, or no longer one. Actually, witnessing it is cringing because we question the future well-being of the child. This type of parenting doesn’t wash with ours, but to save the relationship, we find ourselves shrinking by keeping our views to ourselves while we pray for the child, as well as the parent.
Wikipedia tells us “’The ‘helicopter’ metaphor began as early as 1969 and progressively gained notoriety by college administrators when in 2000 the oldest Millennials began reaching college age. Helicopter parents attempt to ensure their children are on a path to success by paving it for them.’”
Further, Wikipedia tells us a prime example are those young people “who became adults from 2000 to 2010 and labeled the ‘snowflake generation’ and more prone to taking offence and less resilient than previous generations, or as being too emotionally vulnerable to cope with views that challenge their own.” The reality is that we live in an imperfect world with flawed people who most assuredly will cause offense and pain. Parents must stop, step back, and teach the child how to handle disillusionment and disappointment.
There’s no doubt that raising a child is one of the most difficult and least understood subjects. As parents, we want to do a good job, we want to rear our children to have self-esteem, confidence, and fearlessness to face an ever-changing world. As parents, we are to teach our child to love and honor God, family, and country, as well as how to live in an often unsafe world among those with impure motives. This is called training and instruction as in Proverbs 22:6 ESV…”Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Or, as The Message Bible says, “Point your kids in the right direction—when they’re old they won’t be lost.” Note, it does not say, “Hover, smother and control a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not think for himself, he’ll be on anti-depressants, lack confidence and possibly have a sense of entitlement.
The age-old doctrine that “the first five years of a child’s life are critical for development” still stands strong. It’s a fact that the experiences children have in these years foster and shape the adults they will become. So then, how do we be an involved parent without smothering or overwhelming our children? It’s normal to want to protect our children, but we must weigh the risk of the MaMa Bear syndrome becoming our default.
When a parent subconsciously builds a wall of emotional protection around their child, they’re unaware that to “let go” threatens their need to hyper-manage events, environment, and often members of the family. These control issues stem from fear and fear has an aroma all its own. This aroma can be picked up quickly by others, but not by the “helicopter parent” who operates in that sphere because it has become their reality, even though distorted.
“Helicopter parenting” can occur at anytime from pre-school to college. As an example, in pre-school and/or elementary school, perhaps the selection or approval of a teacher, an assignment, or an activity causes the helicopter mode to “hover over” in order to ensure that the child never experiences anything disproportionate or unfair. Another example would be perhaps the child is prevented from visiting a grandparent or other family members without the “helicopter parent” being involved.
As a daughter, a wife, a mother, sister, aunt, mother-in-law, grandmother, great grandmother and mentor, it’s been a personal observation that this “helicopter parenting” issue can be a predisposed behavior stemming from the parent’s own inadequacies, or experiences, as a child and is then subconsciously projected onto their own child; over-indulgence becomes a by-product. Whether perceived or real, perhaps they felt they themselves were an inconvenience or on auto-pilot.
As parents, we must judge and/or question ourselves . . . Could it be that I am a “helicopter parent” and unaware? How do I let go? Do I want to let go?
Mia Redrick’s Blog “Are You a Hovering Parent?” updated May 01, 2012, lists possibly warning signs:
You are frequently suspicious of the people that care for your child. This might be a teacher, babysitter, girlfriend or even a spouse.
You feel that no one can meet the needs of your child as well as you.
You feel validated most as a mother when you rescue your child from harm.
You impose your ideas on your children frequently.
You might help complete your child’s homework without being asked, volunteer to help your child with something although they don’t need your help, or force your child to accept your help.
In your free time, you consistently reflect on the terrible things that could be happening to or with your child because you’re not there to supervise.
You experience boundaries like scheduled visits with teachers and planned visit requests with family members as rude and intrusive.
